Portland: The First 48 Hours.

I have been literally all around the world, and never have I seen a place as downright self-contradictory as Portland, Oregon. Every stereotype possible is found here, often in close harmony to a polar opposite viewpoint. Oddly enough, this cacophony of grinding gears works somehow, as the entire city has yet to collapse into the Willamette River. Businesses, bands, trends, and ideas come and go faster than a speeding blogger- by the time you’ve read the yelp review for a new restaurant, its gone baby gone.  I’ve surmised that this city is rather like other cities, except no-one EVER tells another person here “you can’t do that.” I can only imagine the Portland business bureau green lighting both a person who wants to hand-carve artisanal canoes and another who would like to open a crystal healing center for the gender disenfranchised.

If you’ve ever seen Portlanda, you’ve definitely found the mouth of the rabbit hole; from what I’ve gathered in my first two days here- the truth is often stranger than parody. From practicing Death-Metal Jazz bands to Interpretive Tofu dances, Porland “tis a silly place.” I have seen more indescribable wackiness from what appeared to be otherwise sane people than ever before. Every malady or perceived slight is a ‘cause,’ every pamphlet handed out is a success. Beer is literally cheaper than water, and more likely to come free with every meal. Speaking of meals, while finding ethnic and even American mainstays is common, more often than not you’ll run into some conglomeration of two, three, or, four varieties. For instance: spicy Japanese meat-glazed, Alaskan reindeer sausage tacos with a side order of Irish Colcannon.

At this point, my brain is exploding with conflicting “Oregamma Waves,” from the raw, untapped madness that is downtown. The PSU campus stands as a nexus for whatever beat these people dance to. Be it world issues, the state of food in America, or some obscure form of antediluvian throat singing, Portland not only cares about these things but broadcasts them to the world via the internet (social media) and a multitude of streetborne physical methods. Flyers for everything pepper everywhere and the less legitimate media such as sticker art and spray-paint cover every inch that doesn’t actually convey a traffic message. Twitter and Facebook are the law of the land here, fired off as only the fastest smartphones can manage. All and all, the constant din of raw, created information is a metaphysical wave which once must occasionally ignore or ride it to insanity.

I have quickly realized that I’ll have to master control of space-time to take all of Stumptown in during my limited time here. Meanwhile, several things have dawned on me as being the most “off” things presentable in my life, much less Portland. Here they are, the top 20 contradictions, equal in magnitude of how cray-cray they struck me, though perhaps I’m a wee bit old fashioned.

20) Starches and Breads are merely the ships that help delicious food immigrate. Any type of food can be forcibly mounted on top of Sourdough, Tortillas, Pitas, Bagels, and occasionally something called a ‘yeaster basket.’ Seriously, what are Hungarian nachos anyway?

19) Bike > Walking > Bus > Train > Car > TriMet > Skytram > Helicopter > Boat. There is a litany of transportation methods available to Portland commuters, though the human powered ones are often the best, by both time effectiveness and cost. Though I suspect this is on a curve. Perhaps on an hour-by-hour basis. This requires further testing…

18) Despite free beer coming with everything you buy, I have yet to see any substantial amount of drunkards. My haircut came with beer. A donation for autism care came with beer. I bought a 2-dollar bottled water, and got a beer! The people of Portland must have some magical tap into the wellspring of brewing because the streets flow with it on a daily basis. Through bonus-beers attached to every charitable act, I believe Portland could conquer every ill of the world, merely by catering to one of them.

17) Every variable that defines a person is on a sliding scale. Republi-crucian Tranny Bakers Guild. Yeah, let that sink in, it’s a thing.

16) Architecture, Architecture, Architecture. Despite being a relatively ‘new’ city, with modern high-rises, an effective highway network, and mass transit, it was built on the bones of a very, very old city. Ancient brickwork and iron jut boldly though the glamor- and the dark and grittier areas never allow themselves to be forgotten, no matter how brightly the lights shine.

15) Though the young and over-educated go to Portland to retire, music comes to Portland to be reborn immortal. This is the few cities I can think of with a healthy hip-hop crowd actually persisting alongside a bourgeois chamber music scene, ska-rockabilly clubs, and goth-country followers. Layers of concert and venue handbills litter every telephone pole, a constantly replenished layer of skin advertising every genre and tempo.

14) Business ease of access is incredible here. “Buy X permit, and off you go!” You can legally do just about anything, with the city’s blessing, merely by shelling out a few bucks on a point-of-sale permit. I can be an honest-to-god crab fisherman for 7 bucks. I can OWN my own business location for 500 a month. Should the urge seize me, I can become a legal panhandler or busker (there’s a difference) for the cost of a combo-meal.

13) Organic, granola-eating super hippies are not the norm. Nor are mega-pretentious hipster d-bags. Though the two are here in numbers certainly, they are well-buffered by well meaning folk that just want a beer and some peace. Quite possibly it’ll be the non-stereotypical people here that surprise you the most.

12) Portland loves Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs. Portland loves Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs. Portland loves Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs.

11) Pot smoke is prevalent. Not the oft-caricatured clouds hanging over each and every resident, but certainly, it’s here. I would even go as far to say more common than standard tobacco smoke too. Being that it’s decriminalized for use on private property, and the bulk of the property here includes porches, you’re gonna smell indo at some point or another.

10) Hand made everything. Clothes, bikes, buildings, vegetables, music, tools, boats, liquors, cheeses, etc. Yup, if it can be made, the folk here make it the old fashioned way, just like grandma used to. Anyone need a hand-blown rooibos decanter? A hand stitched puppet? What about a box of hand-picked skipping stones? Seriously, all of these things and more can be found here, though occasionally my consumer tendencies take a blow to the ‘sticker-shock’ gland.

9) I can rent one of those tiny lil’ smart cars! And park it for free! Vroooooom!

8) Japanese peasant food from a jovial knife-wielding Asian costs less than laundromat does to wash my average load of laundry. For 4 bucks and change, you can have delicious okonomiyaki or any number of relatively uncommon feasts from all over the world. You can obtain such food miracles from booths, carts, outdoor cafeterias, or even odd men with one eye, serving it out of newspapers.

7) Anything you can do or see in Portland, you can do or see naked. Seriously. Disney Princesses on Ice? Yup, naked. Jai Ho Bollywood Review? Yup, they have a naked version of that too. Wives of Janos Horticulture Happy Hour? OF COURSE there’s a naked horticulture happy hour. Sometimes funny, sometimes horrifying, Portland is a city where ‘naked’ frequently happens.

6) The Sun changes everything. Portland and its denizens spend an average of 222 days under cloud cover each year. The few days that Sol pops out, EVERYONE hits the streets, the parks, the river, and pretty much anywhere. 70 degrees is hot for Portland, and the citizens cluster around the fountains and bubblers as if water has suddenly become rare.

5) Corn Mo is alive and well in Portland. Dream of the 90’s indeed.

4) I may not know art, but I know crap. Portland has both in spades. From artisan-welded decorative embellishments to the hotglued craft-hour garbage that you find on etsy- both are readily available. The fake often costs more than the real, though often the quality difference between the two is obvious. Don’t insult anyone’s ability however; the luthier’s craft is measured almost equal to the weird old lady that glues pom-poms to everything. (Put a bird on it.)

3) Nature and Structure in conjunction happens unconsciously here. Carbon-offsetting greenways, gardens, and courtyards definitely lend themselves to the idea that this is the greenest metropolis on Earth. Seems like every building has greenery, solar panels, grey water collectors, or some combination of all of them. Perhaps it’s the prevailing water system cutting through town, or the undeniable presence of Mt. Hood. Either or, concrete meets living flora here, perhaps more harmoniously than in anywhere else.

2) Book and Antique shops are grand epic affairs that belie the actual nature of the business they do. How can the nicest building in town be the one that sells old stuff, literally for pennies? 35 cent paperbacks and moldy old lamps somehow fund amazing, glass-fronted buildings that would make the Rockefellers crap a ton of bricks.

1) Despite being the mecca for non-violent peaceniks, Portland is the home to a lot of hurt-ey things. Farmleague roller-derby matches, amateur cagefighting, and city-sanctioned dodgeball all leave these huggy Oregonians bloody and bruised. There are almost as many celebrated full-contact events here as there are vegan food options.